Turns out L.L. Bean has snow boots that look almost exactly like the Sorel Caribous, without the ugly logo. The clomp factor is definitely there, but that just ensures that you stay upright. They are basically the perfect Bean-Sorel hybrid. Plus, they are $30 cheaper. Sold.
I also learned that you can use something called AquaSeal to a patch a hole in rubber boots, so I am going to try to get my old Sorels through another winter. This means that I can keep a pair by both the front and back doors... i.e. the absolute pinnacle of luxury in Minnesota. No sloshy boot prints on the floor, always a warm pair at the ready. I'm living proof you can have it all!